Monday, June 21, 2010

June 21, 2010

The season of summer road trips is here. If your car’s on empty and there’s a long line at the gas pump, there’s good news: the line at the bottom of the Gulf is nice and short.


Simon and Garfunkel's are postponing their tour because Art Garfunkel has a condition affecting his voice. The condition is described as nobody wants to listen to it.


Many people are surprised to learn that BP isn’t the world’s largest oil producer. Twilight star Robert Pattinson’s head is.


An Oregon mom wrote an emotional letter to her missing 7-year-old son. In the letter, written for and delivered on “Good Morning America,” Desiree Young wishes to shield her son from “all of the horrible things in this world.” She could start by not subjecting him to “Good Morning America.”



North Korea’s World Cup bid ended with a humiliating 7-0 loss to Portugal. The headline in North Korea said it all: “Dear Koreans crush imperialist western giants for heroic World Cup triumph.”




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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

June 8, 2010

Furious over government budget cuts, workers in Spain are protesting. Thousands of people marched, lit fires, blew car horns, and chanted slogans, until it was time to go home for their afternoon nap.


An army officer is being charged with divulging top-secret Army reports and giving them to wikileaks.org. This doesn’t make any sense. Leaking classified information gets you life in prison, but leaking 20,000 barrels of oil a day doesn’t?


According to the New York Times, Iran has been defying a trade sanctions by simply renaming ships, swapping in new flags, and replacing management on the ships. Sounds like a strategy BP could benefit from.

Friday, June 4, 2010

June 4, 2010

The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. Look at the bright side. At least nobody’s finger was floating in it.


The burger chain said there was no reason to panic. If you can survive its Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, you can survive a little cadmium.


Makes you wonder which inflicts more pain: the Shrek glasses. Or the new Shrek movie?


BP said it made some progress plugging the oil leak in the Gulf. So get your oil-slickened speckled trout while they’re still in season.

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Monday, May 10, 2010

May 10 2010

Oil continues to gush into the Gulf. This will make you long for the days when mercury in your fish was the only reason to avoid it.



Oil is streaming into the Gulf at about 5,000 gallons a day. It’s a mess on par with Lawrence Taylor’s personal life.



BP’s containment dome has failed to contain the very thing it was created to contain: bad PR.



The White Pages will soon be discontinued. The inches-thick book is apparently the victim of a digital revolution, the Internet, and superior door-stops.



It’s still Mother’s Day for Kate Gosselin. She hasn’t gotten through all the cards yet.



BP is looking to use toxic chemicals to stop the Gulf oil spill. If that doesn’t do the job, they might just try tapping the chemicals in the Situation’s hair.

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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

May 05, 2010

With Times Square narrowly avoiding a deadly car bombing, I long for the good old days. When your biggest fear was getting pickpocketed by some thugs or yelled at by a crazy, homeless, legless war vet.

The suspect, Faisal Shahzad, was seized on board an Emirates Airlines flight about to depart from JFK. The most amazing thing here isn’t the dramatic arrest. It’s that the flight was actually going to leave on time.
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Thursday, April 15, 2010

April 15, 2010

Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Experts say they haven’t seen an eruption so huge and sudden since Naomi Campbell’s last altercation with her driver.


The Library of Congress is planning to archive all Twitter messages. In fact, they already have a place for them. Right between Thomas Jefferson’s must-read sexts with Sally Hemings and George Washington's Gchats.


Alongside American historical treasures like the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, you'll soon be able to find out exactly what 13-year-old Sophie McKenzie from Tampa, Florida did Thursday night. “Munchin’ on Bagel Chips. Guzzlin’ Big Gulp. Score!!!”


It's April 15th. Sucks. Sending out money. Getting zero appreciation for it. Never actually seeing a return on investment. They already have a name for that. Alimony.


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To save much-needed funds, the government plans to send out something even more valuable than refunds: Free day passes to Six Flags.


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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

April 14, 2010

For the first time in decades, worldwide maternity deaths have decreased. Not only are more mothers living through pregnancy, when they see their hospital bills, they’re wishing they hadn’t.


Part of the reason is fewer women are getting pregnant. Experts cite higher incomes, better education, and the front pages of every daily newspaper.


Most kids are making the responsible choice. They're waiting until they’re teenagers to ruin their parents' lives.


Toyota will stop selling its Lexus GX 460 SUV. Handling problems are leading the SUVs to rollover. Which has the unexpected and welcome effect of bringing runaway Toyota Camrys to a halt.


The captain of a Chinese merchant ship is being reprimanded for smashing his boat into the Great Barrier Reef. Why focus on the negative? Think about all the ocean he didn’t slam into.


The captain of a Chinese merchant ship is being reprimanded for smashing his boat into the Great Barrier Reef. That, and he was texting while boating.


The ship was apparently fitted with a Toyota Camry break pedal.


The captain of a Chinese merchant ship is being reprimanded for smashing his boat into the Great Barrier Reef. In his defense, the 2,000-Km natural barrier and breathtaking wonder of mankind did come out of nowhere.

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