March 29, 2010

The crime rate in NYC is up 20% this year. And that's not even including its elected officials.


Best Buy is reportedly interested in buying RadioShack. If it goes through, Best Buy would have 30 days to revoke the purchase. Provided it hangs on to the receipt.



President Obama surprised the troops with an unannounced visit to Afghanistan over the weekend. Unannounced visits. The term alone sends shivers up the spine of John Edwards.


He was there to ask Hamid Karzai a difficult question: Michigan State or Butler?



He was there to ask Hamid Karzai a difficult question: Why is it that on all other nights we dine either sitting upright or reclining, but on this night we all recline?



He was there to send a strong signal to Hamid Karzai, face-to-face, man-to-man, leader-to-ineffective-fraudulently-elected-leader.



Passover isn’t just a Jewish tradition. In fact many Americans celebrated it at the movies this weekend. “Passover,” they would say, “the popcorn.”


North Korean defectors are using cellphones to spy on their old impenetrable country. Sources inside feed them information. Kim Jong Il is determined to make sure the calls don’t go through. That’s why he’s giving everyone in the country an AT&T account.


The crime rate in NYC is up 20% this year. In some areas it's actually at 100%. That area? Wall Street.


The crime rate in NYC is up 20% this year. That's not even including the Catholic Chuch.

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March 25, 2010

The MTA approved massive service cuts yesterday. By eliminating or cutting over 100 bus and two subway routes, the MTA also reached its goal of shortening the distance between “douche” and “bags.”


Lean years are ahead for seniors. Social Security payouts have exceeded collection revenue and the government is now warning seniors to save as much as they can. There goes the diamond-encrusted, mother-of-pearl, herringbone shuffleboard pole.


The lost revenue is from the recession and a collapsed housing market. If grandma moves in, you might see people begging banks to take their home.


In a 74-second videotaped address played on Al Jazeera, Osama Bin-Laden warned the US not to execute terrorists. He then plugged his new line of exfoliating creams “Osama Bin Shine.” You know, for that “terrorist glow.”

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March 24, 2010

Caesarian births are up 33%. Women had over 1.2 million C-sections last year. What’s truly amazing is that a third of them just went in for a knee replacement.



Now that Barack Obama has passed the most sweeping piece of federal legislation, he wants to tackle something even grander: reality show stardom.



Sarah Palin will have her own reality show. It’s supposed to go for two hours a day. But insiders predict she’ll pull out after one.



Sarah Palin will have her own show. Its working title is “I’m Not Sure I’m Smarter Than a Fifth Grader.”



Sarah Palin will have her own reality show. Unless Jay Leno takes it from her.


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March 23, 2010

Google shut itself down in China yesterday. Luckily, Chinese citizens can still get all the crucial information they need from TMZ.


Google closed because of censorship concerns. Apparently the Chinese were getting nervous when citizens searched for “Dancing with Stars votes.”


According to Money Magazine, the best place to buy a new home is Santa Rosa, Ca. The worst: Next to the house on “Jersey Shore.”


MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. See, who needs immigration reform? One episode of “Jersey Shore” and suddenly nobody's coming here.


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March 22, 2010

IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. But doctors are concerned. The numbers alone could give you a heart attack.



Health insurance is coming for 32 million people. That’s the kind of coverage the University of Kansas men’s basketball team could only envy.



President Obama says lawmakers have answered the “Call of History.” Whose call-center, by the way, is in Hyderabad, India.



President Obama says the nation has answered the “Call of History.” Whose call-center, by the way, is in Hyderabad, India.



Health insurance passed. Twinkies, cigarettes, IHOP and soda for all!



Health insurance passed. IHOP is marking the occasion by doubling the size of its omelets to 5,000 calories each.



People with pre-existing conditions will no longer be able to be denied health insurance. Unfortunately, stupidity is not one of them.



With his approval ratings tanking, President Obama somehow rallied lawmakers to pass healthcare legislation. How? He threatened to support them in November.



IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. There’s just one thing stopping it. The numbers.


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March 19, 2010

The Obama administration wants to send the Guantanamo detainees to a vacant prison in northwestern Illinois. It originally wanted to send them to New Jersey. But then realized that would violate its own anti-torture policies.



Scientists in Germany created the world’s first invisibility cloak. It can render 3d objects entirely invisible. Naturally, people everywhere are very excited. Apparently, Tiger Woods asked if he could get one made in a 42-Long.



With the proposed health bill estimated to reduce federal deficits by $138 billion over 10 years, there’s no stopping it. Lawmakers are calling it the Toyota Healthcare Bill.



Russia wants to start powering towns through nuclear submarines. So who do you call when the power goes out?



Russia wants to start powering towns through nuclear submarines. I guess when the lights go out, that’s the least of your worries.



Russia wants to start powering towns through nuclear submarines. You’ll know there’s a power outage when your fingertips glow in the dark.



Universal is planning to lower CD prices to $10 or less. Natuarlly, music buyers were said to be thrilled by this. All three of them.



Universal is planning to lower CD prices to $10 or less. To which anyone under 30 asked, “What’s a CD?”


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March 17, 2010

You’ll soon be able to buy audio recordings of criminal trials for just $2.40. Hearing your favorite hip-hop stars has never been cheaper or easier.


New Jersey is looking for ways to shrink its budget. One way, says New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, is by eliminating public school free lunches. Judging by the size of Christie, it’s probably the first time he’s ever proposed eliminating lunch.



Another way it's planning to save money is by closing hundreds of psychiatric wards. It isn’t clear if that includes the house on “Jersey Shore."



Eliminating free school lunches is great news for anyone who’s ever eaten a free school lunch.


Thirteen hundred state workers will also be laid off. Including airport personnel. Let’s hope they’re the ones working security at Newark Airport.


Instead of laying off 1,300 state workers, the entire state is hoping Christie lays off the starting lineup of the New Jersey Nets.

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March 16, 2010

C-Span has uploaded its huge video library to the Internet. Over 160,000 hours worth of hearings and debates. And that’s just Joe Biden.


Over 23 years of Congressional sessions, hearings and debates are available free online now. Watching all 160,000 hours is almost as painful as watching one episode of the Marriage Ref.


A recent poll showed that C-Span’s audience at any one time can be as small as 1,000 viewers per hour. NBC wishes it could draw those kinds of numbers.


Members of Congress get their own profile page. Apparently, John Edwards’s links to Planned Parenthood.


Google announced it’s making its Nexus One phone available through AT&T. AT&T is confident it can drop calls with the Nexus One as well as it can with the iPhone.


Felix Baumgartner, a former Navy Seal, is planning to skydive from a record-breaking 120,000 feet. Within seconds he’ll be plummeting towards the earth at 690 miles per hour. But that actually won’t be the fastest fall to Earth ever. Just ask Tiger Woods.


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March 15, 2010

Following a string of strong storms this weekend, thousands of New Yorkers are without power. The Democrats in Washington know just how they feel.


Hailing a cab in New York City? Be careful. Turns out almost 30,000 drivers inappropriately overcharged riders last year. But most didn’t realize because they were just happy to have survived the ride.

Ripping us off? Who do they think they are, airlines?


Elementary schools around the country are now hiring Recess Coaches, according to a New York Times story. Adults playing with kids? Sounds like the perfect job for Eric Massa.

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March 11, 2010

A retirement plan lets most Greek citizens retire at 61. It’s one of the main reasons the country’s economy has collapsed. But helps explain why shuffleboard scores have soared.


Funding so many retirement pensions is one of the chief causes of Greece’s economic collapse. Our country does it better: Rather than the government paying for your retirement, corporate bankers just package and sell it.


Because of the chemicals, the Greek government has listed hairdresser as one of the most occupationally hazardous professions. If working on Greek hair is hazardous, than working on Italian hair is like playing Russian Roulette.



Botox’s top competitor is offering rebates to women dissatisfied with their anti-wrinkle treatment. This brought an immediate smile to the faces of millions of women. Their faces just couldn’t display it.


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March 10, 2010

Playstation released its version of the Nintendo Wii. Gamers say the motion-control technology is so good you’ll be at the doctor with an inflamed elbow and torn rotator cuff in no time.

Its biggest fans: orthopedic specialists and health insurance companies.


There’s fresh evidence that Senator John Ensign steered jobs to his former mistress’s husband. This is actually encouraging: At least someone was hiring.


The White House is getting a sneak peak at the new HBO series “Pacific.” President Obama said he’s excited for the show, but is worried the viewing might interrupt the bickering between the two parties.


President Obama said he’s excited for the series, but concerned it might conflict with his favorite show, “Millionaire Matchmaker.”


Pink Floyd won a ruling that might result in iTunes and other digital music players taking its music down. So your best shot at hearing classic songs like “Comfortable Numb” and “Money” is to turn on any radio station, anytime, anywhere.

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March 09, 2010

Corey Haim died today. About 15 years after his career did.


The Post Office is considering ending Saturday deliveries. So while neither rain nor snow will stop them, Saturdays and Sundays will.

It wants to assure the public, though, that it stills plans to lose mail seven days a week.


Bank of America plans to end debit overdraft fees. They say the days of the $40 cup of coffee are over. Clearly, the bank has never been to a Starbucks.


Jihad Jane, a Pennsylvania woman known as Colleen LaRose, said she was depressed and suicidal when she agreed to help carry out terrorist plots. Suicidal. Or as it's known in the terrorist industry, “field research.”


Google has added bike routes to its online maps. There’s about 12,000 miles in all. Which includes every sidewalk, railing, park bench and subway platform in New York City.


Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore is calling for President Obama to replace Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel with him. If Moore can push his way into GM, getting past White Security shouldn’t be a problem.


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March 08, 2010

Lil Wayne was sentenced to a year in prison. It isn’t clear how much of that sentence will be left once he gets his teeth through security.


The Oscars Sunday night went so long that the Navis went extinct before it was over.


The Queen of England said she’s worried underdeveloped countries are missing out on opportunities for advancement because they don’t have the Internet. Seriously, how is a nation to succeed when it can’t post how much it hated that sparkly dress Zoe Saldana wore on the red carpet?


The FAA is defending its workplace policies following an incident in the control tower at JFK. They’re considering changing the policy to “Take Your Kid to Work Day But Don’t Let Him Land a Goddamn 737.”


Just be thankful the dad who let his kid play air traffic controller wasn’t your heart surgeon.


According to scientists, bonobos – our closest primate relative – would rather share their food with a companion than eat alone. And will dine at nothing less than a five-star Zagat-rated restaurant.



The Obama Administration wants to pay delinquent homeowners to sell their homes and vacate. See? There’s another way to get money from the federal government without being a car company.


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March 04, 2010

An elementary school in Los Angeles suspended three teachers. In recognition of Black History Month, the three nominated OJ Simpson and Dennis Rodman as African American heroes. The three haven’t decided who they’ll nominate for White History Month. But right now Adolph Hitler and Jeffrey Dahmer are neck-and-neck.


The uproar isn’t just because the teachers are white. It’s because they’re also, evidently, retarded.


Metal-on-metal hip replacements are causing all kinds of complications. And orthopedic surgeons around the country are calling for the end of them. They wear quickly. Kill healthy tissue. And, worst of all, they’re a bitch to get through airport security.


New York City has reportedly filled its two millionth pothole. Quite an achievement. Meanwhile, New York Governor David Paterson hasn’t even reached the bottom of his.


Lady Gaga concert tickets have doubled in price. Apparently, the price of leopard-skin, porcelain vase three-pieces has gone up.

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March 04, 2010

The fee to apply for a US passport might increase to $135. One wonders if they'll accept store credit.

Passport fees are going up 35%. Thankfully, the country is introducing Half Price Tuesdays.


To attract visitors, the US is throwing in a free iPod Touch.


Want to buy an island? Now might be your chance. Mired in debt, Greece is apparently mulling the idea of unloading some of its 6,000 islands. Islands aren’t cheap. They start in the millions of dollars. Of course, thanks to its deflated currency, that amounts to about eight dollars each.


Greece is trying to pay off its debt buy selling its islands. New York, too, is apparently interested in its own island. But potential investors at the high price for Staten Island. Ten bucks? It’s worth at least $20.


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March 03, 2010

A plan to let parents check if someone is a sex offender will be rolled out across England and Wales next year. In a related story, Tiger Woods said he's excited to return to professional golf. Just not in England.


The EPA designated Brooklyn’s Gowanus Canal a Superfund Site. For over a century industrial waste and raw sewage flowed into the canal. Residents said it reminded them of an outhouse after a concert. And Staten Island.


Locals are known to go kayaking in the contaminated Canal. EPA officials say the only thing more hazardous to your health is driving a Toyota.


New York City officials are saying the New York faired better during the recession than the rest of the country. Your chances of employment there are actually pretty good. Unless you’re its governor.


Seventy-nine years ago today "The Star-Spangled Banner" became the official national anthem of the United States, narrowly beating out Lil Wayne’s “Smoke Dat Cush.”

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March 02, 2010

Lines etched into ostrich eggs 60,000 years ago are the earliest examples of symbolism by humans, according to scientists. But lyrics from the Jonas Brothers, everyone else says, are by far the worst.


Some states are trying to ban digital billboards. Those with animation, blinking lights, sports scores. But marketers say they’re a great way to really hit drivers over the head with their messaging. Especially when drivers crash into them.


A New York real estate executive paid $195,000 for a six-week home rental. But the place was a dump and now Keith Rubenstein is planning on suing. Or just advertising it as “brite, beautiful, 6-bdrom mansion; amaz opp.”


Sounds like a real estate guy finally learned what it feels like to be lied to.


A New York real estate executive paid $195,000 for a six-week home rental. But the place was a dump and now Keith Rubenstein is planning on suing. Maybe he should just default like the rest of us.


A new theory suggests that cooking is what makes humans looks like humans. And that introducing meat into our diets is what lead to bigger brains and higher intelligence. Though the existence of George W. Bush tends to counters that.

Over the years, cooking meat led to tastier meals and improved quality, one scientist said. Some people disagree. Including everyone who's ever eaten at McDonalds.

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March 01, 2010

According to his latest physical, President Obama is in “excellent physical health.” His healthcare legislation, however, is in the ICU, on a breathing machine, feeding tube, and the priest just walked into the room.


President Obama passed his latest physical. Turns out an increase in his cholesterol is the only “change we can believe in.”


He’s expected to be fit for the remainder of his term. The majority of his initiatives, however, are not.

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